\ :> (06^ 



"^^(^g^S- 



^^c3 g^fs- 



y 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

MARCH BROTHERS, Pu])lishers, LEBANON. OHIO 

No Peddlers Admitted 

By Jeannette Joyce 



Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers 



CHARACTERS 

Business Man. 
Office Girl. 
Peddler. 



Scene: Stage arranged as business office. Pretty girl at desk when employer 
enters with energetic and determined air. He carries a large placard, J^'^q, 
Peddlers Admitted. ' ' Audience must not see wording. 

Business Man {speaking briskly) -. Now, my young friend, this office has got 
to get down to business. Too much time wasted. That's what's the matter 
with this country. Time wasted is money wasted. {As he talks, ransacks 
drawers of desk, pidling out and throwing about contents.) Come here and 
help me find these tacks, won 't you ? 

Office Girl {rises very dellbrratdy, blots the page of the ledger, closes it and 
arranges hair at mirror as she crosses room). 

Business Man {finds tack by running finger into it as he rummages far back 
. in draiver) -. Ouch! Oh! {Jumps about with finger in mouth.) 

Office Girl {still rougcing face at mirror) : You found it, did you? 

Business Man : Found it ! It found me ! Bring me the peroxide and cotton 
out of the emergency case over there in the room across the hall, and tie up 
this finger. I can't afford to lose time off on account of blood poison. {She 
goes in search of remedy. Business man still looking for tacks, and exclaim- 
ing over finger.) 

Peddler {enters after brief interval, with grip in- hand) -. Good morning, mj' 
friend. Good morning, you seem to be suffei'ing — 



2 No Pe:ddlers Admittkd ^ \7^r^ 

Business Man {breaking in fiercely on speech, as peddler opens up grip) : Now 
look here, I don't want anything you have to sell unless it's something for 
this confounded finger. I bought a dozen bottles of machine oil yesterday to 
get rid of a fellow wlio was carry 'en a grip — ^looked just like yours. . Of 
course, he showed how it would save me by gettin' all the typewriters to do 
more work in the same time ; but I came down to the office extra early this 
morning with a sign all ready to tack up. {Looks for sign hut can not find 
it, covered over with ruhhish thrown out of desk.) 

Peddler {with very s\iave manner) : Too bad ! Too bad ! But as it happens, 
I have just the thing that you need here. I make it a practice to carry 
always just what the people need. {Winks at audience, and opens hottle, 
carefully placing a few drops on handkerchief.) Now, let me have that finger. 
Good! {With great care applies, time and again, the ointment, talking in a 
very engaging manner all the while.) Peddlers in the long run are a nuisance. 
Yes, they are a great nuisance. They waste a busy man's time. I would not 
be in the business myself, but a great-great uncle of mine, by name, Oilover, 
discovered this remedy and handed it down in the family to be sold exclusively 
by direct descendants. Feels better, does'nt it? I can always tell when it 
begins to work. 

Business Man: Yes, it does. And I'm a man who always believes in being 
prepared to get the most out of every hour in the day. Can't afford to waste 
time on account of accidents, or run the risk of being laid on the shelf by 
blood poison. How much is that stuff ? 

Peddler : Just so. Just so. You 're a sensible man, I perceive. This wonder- 
ful remedy, my friend, sells at $1.00 per bottle, plus war tax ; if you will take 
ten bottles, including this one opened, they are yours for $12.00. 

Business Man: Well, let me have them; I started out this morning to save 
time, and if equipping this place as an emergency hospital is what's necessary, 
I'll do it. {Laying out mo^iey, and suddenly looking about office.) By the 
way, what's become of that girl, I wonder. 

Peddler {hurriedly counting out nine bottles and taking money) : Well, good 
day. {Rushes o^it as office girl enters.) 

Business Man: Well, you'd be a swift ■one to send for a doctor if a man was 
dying, I must say. 

Office Girl: Send for a doctor! Why, you got your peroxide, didn't you? 
. I gave it to your friend as I met him in the hall coming in. I thought he 
was a peddler and I warned him about the sign — told him it would have been 
up but for your accident. He said he was a friend of yours — an old school- 
mate — and he would take the peroxide in and fix you just right, so I let him, 
because I wanted to hurry down and get that book you told me about, "How 
to Make the Mo»t of Time in an Office. " 

OCT -1 13.20 ^"•'' '■' ''"''^-^^-^"^ 



No Peeolers Admitted 



Business Man (listens with a-stonishme^it and sinks into chair) : Well, he fixed 
me just right. "What is that stuff in those bottles? 

Office Girl (picking them up in turn and reading, heginning with the one 
from which he applied ointment) -. Well, this is your peroxide. This — 
machine oil, this — machine oil, machine oil, machine oil — 

Business Man: Stop it! Stop it! (Looking for sign and finding it.) Get 
me the tacks and hammer, quick! (They find them and together tack up the 
sign in a conspicuous place.) No Peddlers Admitteed. 

(Curtain) 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 

mull 

016 103 629 8 < 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

Five for 25 cents. Not Less than Five Sold. 

AINT JA>'K VISITS SCHOOL. By Jeannctto Joyce. Any number of males and females. After fifty 

year.* Aunt Jane spends a moruing in a modern school. Her observations keep the audience in a roar. 
AUNT JEKLSHA AND UNCLE JOSH. By Kffie Jjouise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric 

folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. 
AUNT LUCINDV STAVS. By Willis N. Bugl)ee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make 

lots of fun. Clever and clean. 
"BEAT IT!" By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, 

the parson included. Oceans of fun. 
BETTY ANI> BETSY. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but 

he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. 
THE BUGTOVVN BAND. By Archibald Humtoldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun tlian you can Imagine, 

and a little music which anytwdy can make. 
THE BUZZVII^LE NEU'S. By Eflie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between 

the manager and new editor. A sure hit. 
DOT ENTERTAINS. By Klizabcth F. Gnptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, 

and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. 
THE (iOOSE FEATHEKBED. By Willis N. Bu«bee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish 

and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. 
ILJISTE MAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the 

wrons l">ltle and learns that haste makes waste. 
IN A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. By Jeannette Joyce. 4 males, 6 females. A take-ofT on the specialist of 

toilav Incidentally a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a laughal)Ie manner. 
LAIGKITKH AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with 

j<illv Songs, making a continuous funny story. 
LOOK OIT FOB HEZEKIAH. By Lxjuise Rand Baseom. 3 males. 1 female. Hayseed parents visit 

college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 
THE LUNATIC OB THE I'ROFESSOR. By Louise Rand Baseom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic 

is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 
MORE TIME OUT. By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant 
'■ problem The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. 
NO PEDDLERS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man intended not 

to buy, but the [leddler had a suave manner. 
OH, YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, 

sliowinc the amateur teacher's trials. Fnnnv an<l well suited for .schools. 
ONE ON THE .AGENT. By I.onis.^ Rand Baseom. 1 male, 1 female." A clever skit, bright and telling 

repartee. Rtconimended for all (iccasiiuis. 
THE "PHYSICAL TORTURE" CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males. 2 females. Physical culture 

exercises lor wliich .Ma is too stuut and i'a is tcK) rheumatic. Killingly funny. 
A i'ROI'OSAL IN (;HAXD>L\'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for 

tin- lUMil.Ti] aiKliiiice. 
RAf^TUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. . His "Kinky Koons" are 

killing. The .iolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. 
"SCAT!" By lx)uise Rand Baseom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her 

youth. Very laughable. 
SEEIN(; THE ANIMALS. By Clara J, Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a sutfragette, 

and a spoiled eliild ni;iUe a lively time. A hit. 
THE SQUASIIVILLE TIKE BRIGADE, By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, 

if (lesii-( il. A lirisl: and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. 
TH>: STUPID WITNESS. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and 

have an awl'nl time. I'Ut it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. 
THE TR.AIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Baseom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they 

catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. 
THE TRiUN TO MORROW. By Jeannette Joyce. 3 males, 2 females. Confusion in a railway 

station resiiK i?i'.; in no end of fun for the audience. 
THE TR.WKLING PHOTOGRAPHER. By Kate Alice White. 3 males. 2 females. He une.tpectediy 

visits a tanner's familv. All work is stop|ied and they pose for the picture. 
AN UP-TO-!).\TE I'ROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. A roaring farce that will 
keep the aiKiioiice interested every minute. Effective when used with "A Froposal in Grandma's Day," 

WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation 
resulting from a misunderstanding. Irisli dialect. 

No entertainments sent on approval or e.^changred. 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. 



z. 




6 
^3 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



Hollinger Corp. 

^14 a. CL 



